When and How to Reset Your Expectations: Strategies for Parents/Educators

Setting expectations for children is essential for their growth and development. However, there are times when, despite your best efforts, those expectations aren't being met. This could occur for a variety of reasons...could be the child...and it could be you.  If things are not working the way you would like, you might have to completely step back at look at the situation from a new perspective.  Treat the child as if they aren't yours, but a new child coming into your home that you've just met: build rapport, build trust, build the relationship from scratch.  It's not easy - but it's a must so that you don't begin (or continue) to deteriorate as a parent.  It's stressful - and you will begin to be less of a parent - which of course will make the situation much worse. 

Recognizing when to reset your expectations and knowing how to do so effectively can make all the difference in fostering a positive environment for children to thrive. 

Recognizing when to work on yourself a bit so that you can be a better person and a better parent can also make all the difference in fostering a positive environment for everyone to thrive.

Signs It's Time to Reset Expectations

Here are some indicators that it might be time to reassess and reset your expectations:

1. Repeated Non-Compliance: If a child consistently fails to meet an expectation despite clear communication and consistent reinforcement, it might be a sign that the expectation needs to be reset.

2. Increased Frustration: Both the child and the parent or educator feel frustrated or stressed about the unmet expectations. This can lead to a negative cycle of behavior and reactions.

3. Developmental Inappropriateness: Expectations may not align with the child’s developmental stage. What might be appropriate for an older child may be too challenging for a younger one.

4. Lack of Understanding: The child genuinely seems confused about what is expected or why it’s important. This can indicate that the expectation was not clearly communicated or understood.

Steps to Reset Expectations

Resetting expectations involves reflection, communication, and adaptation. Here’s how you can effectively reset your expectations:

1. Reflect on the Original Expectation: Consider why the original expectation was set. Was it realistic given the child’s age, abilities, and circumstances? Reflecting on these questions can provide insight into necessary adjustments.

2. Communicate Openly: Engage the child in a conversation about the challenges they are facing with the current expectations. Listen to their perspective and validate their feelings. This can provide valuable information on how to reset expectations.

3. Simplify and Clarify: Break down complex expectations into simpler, more manageable steps. Ensure that each step is clearly defined and easily understood. For example, instead of expecting a child to "clean their room," break it down into "put toys in the toybox," "make the bed," and "put clothes in the hamper."

4. Set Achievable Goals: Adjust the expectations to be more achievable. Start with small, attainable goals and gradually increase the difficulty as the child builds confidence and skills.

5. Model the Behavior: Children learn by observing. Demonstrate the behaviors you expect from them. Show them how to complete tasks step-by-step and explain the importance of each action.

6. Use Positive Reinforcement: Celebrate small successes to build momentum and confidence. Praise the child for their efforts and progress, no matter how minor it may seem. Positive reinforcement encourages continued effort and improvement.

7. Reassess Regularly: Regularly evaluate the effectiveness of the reset expectations. Be flexible and willing to make further adjustments as needed. Consistent reassessment ensures that expectations remain appropriate and attainable.

8. Get Help: Maybe you could benefit from some help - therapy, counseling, feedback, support. Find resources to build your character and quality of life...(put the oxygen on yourself before helping others).  

Examples of Resetting Expectations

Example 1: Listening and Following Directions 

Original Expectation: “I expect you to listen to me and follow my directions.” 

Reset Expectation: “I expect you to stop what you are doing and look at me when I’m giving directions. Let's practice together.”

Example 2: Tidying Up 

Original Expectation: “I expect you to put your toys in the toybox when you’re done playing.” 

Reset Expectation: “I expect you to put away one toy at a time. Let’s start with putting your blocks in the toybox.”

Example 3: Safety Rules 

Original Expectation: “When you’re at the swimming pool, I expect you to walk instead of run.” 

Reset Expectation: “At the pool, I expect you to walk when you are near the edge. Let’s practice walking safely around the pool.”

Example 4: Grades

Original Expectation: "I expect you to make As and Bs at school."

Reset Expectation: "I expect you to work on your homework for 30 minutes each night.  You need to ask for help if you don't understand something."

Resetting expectations is a crucial part of guiding children toward success and fostering a positive environment. By reflecting on the original expectations, simplifying and clarifying them, setting achievable goals, modeling desired behaviors, and using positive reinforcement, you can help children understand and meet expectations more effectively. Regular reassessment ensures that expectations evolve with the child's growth and development, promoting continuous learning and improvement. Together, these strategies create a supportive and nurturing environment where children can thrive.